Annual Sixth Graders Retreat

"Bodyworks"

This retreat begins on Friday evening very much like other Retreats. This retreat is cosponsored by JYM and JHYM Retreats. Leadership for this retreat is also shared equally by Gretchen Baker-Smith and Kevin Lee. Because most of the attenders have retreated with one another typically for several years, not to mention Friends Camp connections and Yearly Meeting Sessions, they usually bond immediately with both staff and each other. The exceptionally high staff to child ratio also gives this retreat a particular feeling of closeness, with lots of "chilling" time available for those who want talk about everything and anything.

Foods planned for this retreat are special also. As this is a time of recognition and celebration of their individual lives and moving onward next year, young people also participate in a special "menu selection" for Saturday evening, which runs the gamut be it pizza, Chinese food, Mexican, which is all masterminded by our Supreme Kitchen Goddess Wendyl Ross!  (Parents: Please let us know about food allergies, chosen diets, etc, in advance!)

Parents, please note!

            For children and staff this retreat is a celebration and culmination of our years in community together that is both joyous and bittersweet. For some of our sixth graders, it also marks the beginning of their transition into the JHYM Retreat community. So while our theme centers on bodily and emotional changes, what children cherish most in their hearts following this retreat is that they were celebrated, loved and most especially, were with their peers. We therefore strongly recommend not missing this retreat. We urge everyone to arrive on Friday evening and stay for the duration of the retreat. Occasionally illness has kept one or two children from attending in the past, and when this happens they are most welcome to join us the following year even though they will be in the seventh grade. But missing this retreat for other reasons is discouraged, partially out of respect for the community, but also because the occasional child who misses this retreat due to conflicting schedules usually regrets it later.  (Please speak with Kevin and/or Gretchen if you have questions about this. Thanks!)

Format:

Our usual retreat format of Small Groups is different than at regular JYM Elementary Retreats. The one "small group" time which happens over the weekend is an extended workshop called "Bodyworks" which is outlined in detail below. "Bodyworks" is a theme word that we developed over the years that tenderly and spiritually explores the wonder and beauty of our bodies as gifts from God. It's not a component of any particular set theory, systematic curriculum or formula.

It does reflect our observations and experience (with wonderful insights from other seasoned staffers) of interacting and ministering to young people and their families within our Quaker community and society in general. Kevin's professional work as a Youth Advocate Counselor coupled with the frankness and trust that comes with providing pastoral care to young persons as way opens continues to inform and equip us for this kind of ministry. Gretchen's gifts of listening, of presence, and her grace-filled ability to truly honor as sacred her interactions with children year after year equips her well, also. 

As one mom said to Kevin a few years ago; "So, it's basically about gender roles, sexuality, emerging hormones, safety, and stuff they wouldn't get caught dead discussing in other settings, right?" "Once you add the comfort of community and the presence of the Spirit," Kevin said, "That about sums it up!"

T Shirt Project:  (On Saturday morning) 

With tarps down and new pre-washed white T Shirts ready, Gretchen and company set out paint stations with acrylic paints, pie tins, rags and permanent markers. Each young person gets their own shirt and everyone places their uniquely colored handprint on one another's shirt. On Sunday morning the shirts are dry and ready to wear. Young people frequently affix their name next to their handprint or write a special note onto the fabric. It's not uncommon to see these shirts still being worn around Yearly Meeting Sessions a year or two later!

            Before the paints are put away, youngsters also affix their handprint on a permanent "Tree of Life" cloth banner that previous sixth graders have helped to create. Look for it on display at the close of the retreat and at Yearly Meeting in August.

Safety Discussion:

Once the T-Shirt Project is finished, usually by mid-morning on Saturday, we gather as a spiritual community for a discussion on physical and sexual safety. We emphasize that each child has a right to live a life free from physical abuse, sexual abuse and sexual and verbal harassment. We detail what these forms of abuse are and what can and will be done to intervene if abuse happens. (From Kevin: Stemming in part from my professional training, but also and equally including my pastoral ministry among Quaker families, there is this observation. In the months and years after these retreats, the sad fact is that a few young people (and/or their parents) have shared with me that abuse had happened at some point in their lives as children. While I cannot say that our program necessarily prompted disclosure, it is clear that having given voice to this difficult topic within our retreat community raised the comfort level for parents or their children to share with someone they trust among Friends.)

"Bodyworks" Workshop:   (Held after lunch on Saturday)

Purpose: Our principal goal is to integrate the topic of young people's awareness of their own emerging sexuality within the context of our spiritual community, as Friends and retreat attenders. We desire to cherish, celebrate, and to hold up as holy every dimension and function of our bodies as individuals and corporately as persons in community with one another. NEYM Faith and Practice query on "Care of Children" (1985, page 212) encourages adults to listen, be examples and to guide the lives of our children both within and beyond our meetings. This workshop, set within our own religious community and framed with respect, honesty and humor, addresses any and all of the topics related to sex, bodily functions and emotional considerations that young people may wish to explore.

Procedure: The workshop begins with a brief period of worship on Saturday afternoon, after which young people and staffers divide into two groups by gender.  We continue to know that we are deeply blessed that the JYM and JHYM staffers, in general, are some of the finest youth ministry folks within Friends.  Our carefully chosen staff for this particular retreat, however, is truly the cream of the crop.  Their presence and love in helping to frame and jump start the information sharing and discussion in this workshop greatly contributes to the delivery of this program.  The value of having adults our beloved sixth graders know and trust who can honestly and tenderly talk and laugh about this exciting and confusing time in their bodies and lives is immeasurable. 

Each group begins with a fly-by of basic body changes happening at this age – for both genders.  For almost all of our retreat attenders, this is not "new" information.  However, we consistently find that this small group fills in gaps in their knowledge and clears up rumors and untruths, especially about the other gender.

After a period of free-flowing discussion around topics related to our human experience of sexuality, each group independently of each other soon begins to focus on…, you guessed it, the opposite sex! After some guidelines are established each group begins a list of questions that they'd like to ask people in the other group. A staff "runner" is selected who ferries the questions off to the opposite gendered group, while that group simultaneously sends their list over as well. (Typical questions from the girls are: "Why do boys act like jerks?" "What is sperm and how does it get out?" "Why do some boys try looking down your shirt?" "What are blue balls?" "This kid I know thinks you can get pregnant from kissing. Can you?" "I feel dumb for asking this, but what's a wet dream?" "A friend of mine has an uncle who gives her the creeps and acts really weird when friends are over. What should I do?" And from the boys: "Do girls know about hard-ons?" "Oh, that's the worst! Getting called to help your teacher and you can't stand up!" "How come they get periods?" "This girl keeps asking me over and over to go out with her. Yuck!" "If a vagina is an opening, what keeps, you know, stuff from falling out?" "I want to ask this really cute girl out, but I'm too chicken." "Will my mother find out what I say here?")  This list running, question and answer period runs its course until all answers have been satisfied. (Or, the boys have collapsed in exhaustion- the girl's generally go on for 4 days!)

While this process seems simple enough, the results and insights gained are frequently extraordinary. Feedback from young people seems to point to two things; first, they get to ask questions in a same gendered, non-classroom and safe environment – sadly, a rare opportunity for many of our children. (And much of the credit here goes to our awesome staffers.) Secondly, youngsters take the covenant of honoring confidentiality seriously and expect that the specifics stay within the group even after the retreat ends. (And as staffers, we leave it unsaid that most of their parents wouldn't be phased or particularly interested in 80% of what got said, anyway!) Finally both groups come back together, a bit sheepishly at first, to share their combined observations. All appear eager to reaffirm their commitment to keep what got said in "Bodyworks" at the retreat. Soon a feeling of accomplishment gives way to laughter and silliness. There's frequently a sense that comes without words that they are in this season of growth together. We close with a group game, silence and then lunch for their beautiful and transforming bodies. Following lunch, we visit Horseneck State Beach.

Resources and Materials Used:

            Over the years we have selected several books and publications that fit our setting and which are age appropriate for this community. Some books we scatter about for young people to have access to during the retreat while others are used primarily within the respective gender groups. Despite our search efforts we regret that we have very few printed resources specifically for boys. In short, it appears there are far fewer publications for boys on such topics. There is also evidence that boys don't utilize text-based materials on these topics the way girls do. Also, some of the resources for boys that we've reviewed are, frankly, not very good. (Do let us know if you've found ones your son has read and benefited from!)  Here's a list of what we are currently using:

·         Period Pieces: Stories for Girls, by Erzsi Deak and Kristin Embry Litchman. HarperCollins, 2003.

·         Growing Up: It's a Girl Thing, by Mavis Jukes. Random House, 1998.

·         Feeling Good About Yourself, by Debbie Pincus. Good Apple, 1990.

·         The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls, by Valorie Lee Schaefer. Pleasant Company Publications, (American Girl) 1998.

·         Growing Up Girl, Andrea Estepa, Editor.  Youth Connections Magazine, 2004

·         Girl Stuff: A Survival Guide To Growing Up, by Margaret Blackstone and Elissa Haden Guest. Guilliver Books, 2000.

·         The Period Book, by Karen Gravelle. Walker and Company, 1996

·         It's Perfectly Normal, by Robie Harris. Candlewick Press, 1994

·         Pamphlets: As Boys Grow Up, and, As Girls Grow Up, Scriptographic, 1996; Male Facts, and, Female Facts, ETR Associates, 1996.

·         Audiotape by storyteller Max Parker called "Sex Education" 1997. A very funny story!

"Ending" Presentation:

(Our lips are sealed! It's grand, spiritual and tailored to each young person.)  This activity, prepared weeks in advance and guided by Gretchen Baker-Smith, is by all assessments the crowning moment of the entire weekend. Your child will just have to tell you all about it on the way home!

            This, and by the Grace of the Holy Spirit, is what we share and do at this retreat.

GRETCHEN BAKER-SMITH and KEVIN LEE, JYM and JHYM Retreats

Kevin Lee, 508-994-1638 kevinthequaker@gmail.com

Gretchen Baker-Smith, 508-997-0940 hellogretchen@gmail.com